The Alternative Starmer Resignation Speech

 Enter Starmer stage left

Practice nasal tone...

My fellow Britons,

Now let me be clear.  I am here to announce something which will cause great sadness in the electorate. This is a moment of national mourning. A moment of great loss.  My thoughts are with the electorate at this difficult time and it will be hard for Britain to accept this loss. 

I get it. I promised to put country before party but now is the time to put myself before party and party before country.

But there is hope. 

This is a serious moment for our country. It requires serious leadership, serious decisions, and, above all, serious people saying the word "serious" with sufficient seriousness.

After careful reflection, I have decided to resign as Prime Minister.

I get it.

People are frustrated.

People want change.

People have questions.

I've seen the polls.

I've read the newspapers.

I've avoided answering any questions at PMQ. 

I've even listened to the Today programme. I was even considering watching GB News but then thought better of it.

I get it.

But I will take no lectures from the nasty opposition.

Certainly not from the party that gave this country Liz Truss.

If there's one thing I've learned in office, it's that no matter what happens, somewhere, somehow, Liz Truss is still a useful comparison.

Now let me be clear.

This resignation is not about politics. It's not about my leadership.  It's about the country.

I have been manifesting with laser focus for 2 years and the change I manifested has not materialised.

I keep chanting the affirmations that Britain is back and that we are the fastest growing country in the G7 but the electorate just doesn't get it. The thick plebs don't believe my affirmations.

Now is the time for  delivery.

Because if I've learned anything over the past few years, it's that if something isn't working, the answer is to become even more laser focused on delivering it. It's impossible for Labour Policy to be wrong it simply needs laser focused delivery.  That's the difference a Labour government makes.

And I have been laser focused.

Laser focused on manifesting.

Laser focused on affirmations.

Laser focused manifesting growth.

Laser focused manifesting economic  stability.

Laser focused on missions.

Laser focused on milestones.

Laser focused on saying yes to unions.

Laser focused on not taking an interest in this country.

Laser focused on getting my air miles up.

Laser focused on rejoining the EU and hoping no-one has noticed.

Laser focused on appearing to be concerned about illegal immigration.

Laser focused to such an extent that I often forgot to look up.

When I became Prime Minister, I promised change.

And we delivered change.

Not necessarily the change everyone was hoping for.

But, technically speaking, change.

I did it at pace.  Some of my MPs also achieved some change but it was mostly me. I'm the one that makes the difference. That's the difference a Starmer makes.

Every difficult decision.

Every awkward interview.

Every Cabinet reshuffle.

Every U-turn that wasn't a U-turn because circumstances had evolved.

All delivered at pace.

I know some people think government has moved too slowly.  

I reject that characterisation.

They are wrong. I am right. It's all part of the far right narrative. If you have an opinion that is different to  Labour then you're part of the problem.

The truth is things happened at pace.

It was simply a very measured pace.

I get it.

People wanted hope.

People wanted optimism.

People wanted someone who occasionally looked as though they were enjoying themselves.

I hear that.

But leadership isn't about entertainment. It isn't about being nice, it isn't about being liked, it isn't about having doe eyes or nice eyebrows or even a personality. Leadership is also not about being the messiah. 

Leadership is about making difficult decisions, being told by back benchers to change the decision, explaining difficult decisions, commissioning reviews into difficult decisions, and then announcing that implementation will proceed at pace and blaming others when nothing happens.

I will take no lectures on tough decisions.

Not from those who crashed the economy.

Not from those who thought budgets were optional.

And certainly not from anyone whose pension fund still twitches when someone mentions Liz Truss.

I remain proud of what we've achieved. This will be my legacy...

Breakfast clubs.

Tax rises to fix the foundations

Higher energy prices to ensure that we create well paid green energy jobs in China and Germany.

NHS waiting lists that are about to turn a corner.

Did I mention Breakfast Clubs?

I have delivered on Growth.  Inflation is up.  Public Sector wage growth is up. Strike action is up. Benefits are better and fairer.  Those with the broadest shoulders have helped make Britain more equal.  To those Billionaires and Millionaires that paid 60% of all tax and have now fled to Italy.  I say to you: "I don't need you - Britain is now more equal without you. A fairer Britain is a better Britain. I am envious of your wealth but I discovered I  can borrow infinite sums on the bond market to make up the short-fall in taxation. We don't need you and all your tax. Good riddance." 

Corners, it turns out, are surprisingly numerous.

To every child who enjoyed a free breakfast club, you're welcome.

To every journalist who asked me whether breakfast clubs alone constituted a governing philosophy, I respectfully suggest you've underestimated the transformative power of cereal and toast.

Throughout my time in office, I have always put country before party.

Party before headlines.

Headlines before social media.

And social media somewhere below responding to emails from constituency WhatsApp groups.

And myself before everyone else.

Now let me be clear.

Mistakes were made.

Some of them were mine.

Some I managed to blame on others.  

I believe in accountability and Ownership so it was only right that Morgan McSweeney had to resign. I am an honourable son of a toolmaker.  My working class background means I have the strength to make difficult decisions about others resigning.

Some mistakes were global.

Some were inherited.

Some were unforeseeable.

And some, with the benefit of hindsight, were entirely foreseeable.

I accept responsibility for all of them.

Subject to the findings of the independent review.

History will show me as the best British leader in modern history.  I put Britain on a stronger foundation. You know I am amazing friends with President Trump.  He even said to me that it was the most beautiful foundation he has ever seen.  Maybe I should get a Nobel prize for my foundation.

I want to thank my Cabinet.

I could not have been the most amazing leader in British history without my Cabinet.  I thank you for your loyalty - especially Rachel who sadly cannot be here today as she is at photo shoot. My Cabinet has served with professionalism, dedication and remarkable flexibility regarding job titles. 

Some of you have occupied three departments in six months. Flexibility is the difference that a Labour government makes.

That is what I call delivering at pace.

To the Opposition, I wish you well.

Although I will take no lectures.

To the British people, thank you.

You have challenged me.

Supported me.

Criticised me.

And repeatedly informed me that I needed to stop saying "I get it."

I get it.

As I leave office, my belief in Britain's future is undiminished.

We are an extraordinary nation.

With extraordinary people.  

Diversity is our greatest strength and we should open the flood gates to greater diversity.  We should treat everyone with respect.  Not everyone shares our cultures and values or the respect for the rule of law or even respect for Britain but this extraordinary diversity in benefit claimants, PIP claimants and the working class (whatever that is) empowers the greatest strength we have in today's society. We should welcome those less fortunate than ourselves who don't care about Britain but are laser focused on their own well-being and erosion of the British way-of-life.  Labour voting is their natural home. Only when the natives are a minority will my work be done and my vision delivered.  In the meantime we need more  immigration and that's the solemn promise the Labour party makes to deliver big society change through more diversity secure Labour's future - sorry the country's future.

Labour faces  extraordinary challenges.

Which will require extraordinary delivery.

Delivered at pace.

With laser focus.

Now let me be absolutely clear.

This is not the end of the mission.

It's simply a transition to the next phase of delivery.

And finally, I know there will be commentators who describe today as a resignation.

I reject that characterisation.

As I now hand over the leadership to the King of the North I gladly give him the things I inherited - budget blackholes, a fully costed but not funded fiscal policy and hopefully my unpopularity. 

King Andy has what it takes to be a great leader.  Not as great as me. But a great leader - somewhere between Liz Truss and Boris.  I am deeply proud that he is already excelling at not answering questions. 

This is a strategic leadership transition, undertaken at pace, laser focused on delivering change, because I get it.

Thank you—and I will take no lectures.