The Alternative Starmer Resignation Speech

 Enter Starmer stage left

Practice nasal tone...

My fellow Britons,

Now let me be clear.

This is a serious moment for our country. It requires serious leadership, serious decisions, and, above all, serious people saying the word "serious" with sufficient seriousness.

After careful reflection, I have decided to resign as Prime Minister.

I get it.

People are frustrated.

People want change.

People have questions.

I've seen the polls.

I've read the newspapers.

I've avoided answering any questions at PMQ. 

I've even listened to the Today programme. I was even considering watching GB News but then thought better of it.

I get it.

But I will take no lectures from those opposite.

Certainly not from the party that gave this country Liz Truss.

If there's one thing I've learned in office, it's that no matter what happens, somewhere, somehow, Liz Truss is still a useful comparison.

Now let me be clear.

This resignation is not about politics.

It's about delivery.

Because if I've learned anything over the past few years, it's that if something isn't working, the answer is to become even more laser focused on delivering it. It's impossible for Labour Policy to be wrong it simply needs laser focused delivery.  That's the difference a Labour government makes.

And I have been laser focused.

Laser focused on growth.

Laser focused on stability.

Laser focused on missions.

Laser focused on milestones.

Laser focused on saying yes to unions.

Laser focused on not taking an interest in this country.

Laser focused on getting my air miles up.

Laser focused on rejoining the EU and hoping no-one has noticed.

Laser focused on appearing to be concerned about illegal immigration.

Laser focused to such an extent that I often forgot to look up.

When I became Prime Minister, I promised change.

And we delivered change.

Not necessarily the change everyone was hoping for.

But, technically speaking, change.

I did it at pace.  Some of my MPs also some things but it was mostly me.

Every difficult decision.

Every awkward interview.

Every Cabinet reshuffle.

Every U-turn that wasn't a U-turn because circumstances had evolved.

All delivered at pace.

I know some people think government has moved too slowly.

I reject that characterisation.

Things happened at pace.

It was simply a very measured pace.

I get it.

People wanted hope.

People wanted optimism.

People wanted someone who occasionally looked as though they were enjoying themselves.

I hear that.

But leadership isn't about entertainment.

Leadership is about making difficult decisions, explaining difficult decisions, commissioning reviews into difficult decisions, and then announcing that implementation will proceed at pace.

I will take no lectures on tough decisions.

Not from those who crashed the economy.

Not from those who thought budgets were optional.

And certainly not from anyone whose pension fund still twitches when someone mentions Liz Truss.

I remain proud of what we've achieved. These will be legacy...

Breakfast clubs.

Tax rises to fix the foundations

Higher energy prices to ensure that we create well paid green energy jobs (in China and Germany)

NHS waiting lists that are about to turn a corner.

Did I mention Breakfast Clubs?

I have delivered on Growth.  Inflation is up.  Public Sector wage growth is up. Strike action is up. Benefits are better and fairer.  Those with the broadest shoulders have helped make Britain more equal.  To those Billionaires and Millionaires that paid 60% of all tax and have now fled to Italy.  I say to you we don't need you - Britain is now more equal without you. A fairer Britain is a better Britain. I am envious of your wealth but I discovered I  can borrow infinite sums on the bond market to make up the short-fall in taxation. We don't need you and all your tax. Good riddance. 

Corners, it turns out, are surprisingly numerous.

To every child who enjoyed a free breakfast club, you're welcome.

To every journalist who asked me whether breakfast clubs alone constituted a governing philosophy, I respectfully suggest you've underestimated the transformative power of cereal.

Throughout my time in office, I have always put country before party.

Party before headlines.

Headlines before social media.

And social media somewhere below responding to emails from constituency WhatsApp groups.

Now let me be clear.

Mistakes were made.

Some of them were mine.

Some I managed to blame on others.  

I believe in accountability and Ownership to it was only right that Morgan McSweeney had to resign. I am an honourable son of a toolmaker.  My working class background means I have the strength to make difficult decisions about other's resigning.

Some mistakes were global.

Some were inherited.

Some were unforeseeable.

And some, with the benefit of hindsight, were entirely foreseeable.

I accept responsibility for all of them.

Subject to the findings of the independent review.

History will show me as the best leader of our time.  I put Britain on a stronger foundation. You know I am amazing friends with President Trump.  He even said to me that it was the most beautiful foundation he has even seen.  Maybe I should get a Nobel prize for my foundation.

I want to thank my Cabinet.

I could not have been the most amazing leader in British history without my Cabinet.  I thank you for your loyalty - especially Rachel who sadly cannot be here today as she is at photo shoot. My Cabinet has served with professionalism, dedication and remarkable flexibility regarding job titles. 

Some of you have occupied three departments in six months. Flexibility is the difference that a Labour government makes.

That is what I call delivering at pace.

To the Opposition, I wish you well.

Although I will take no lectures.

To the British people, thank you.

You have challenged me.

Supported me.

Criticised me.

And repeatedly informed me that I needed to stop saying "I get it."

I get it.

As I leave office, my belief in Britain's future is undiminished.

We are an extraordinary nation.

With extraordinary people.  Diversity is our greatest strength and we should open the flood gates to greater diversity.  We should treat everyone with respect.  Not everyone shares our cultures and values or the respect for the rule of law or even respect for Britain but this extraordinary diversity in benefit claimants, PIP claimants and the working class (whatever that is) empowers the greatest strength we have in today's society. We need more of this and that's the solemn promise the Labour party makes to deliver big society change.  

Labour faces  extraordinary challenges.

Which will require extraordinary delivery.

Delivered at pace.

With laser focus.

Now let me be absolutely clear.

This is not the end of the mission.

It's simply a transition to the next phase of delivery.

And finally, I know there will be commentators who describe today as a resignation.

I reject that characterisation.

As I now hand over the leadership to the King of the North I gladly give him the things I inherited - budget blackholes, fiscal policy and hopefully my unpopularity. 

This is a strategic leadership transition, undertaken at pace, laser focused on delivering change, because I get it.

Thank you—and I will take no lectures.