A visit from St Rachel

'Twas the night before Budget, when all through the houses of Parliament

Not a creature was stirring, not even a  Kier

For Two Tier Kier was rarely here

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Rachel soon would fill them with freebies;

The benefit claimants were nestled all snug in their beds;

While visions of benefit hand-outs danced in their heads;

The Union cronies rubbed their hands with glee

With big handouts to be handed to thee

When out on the dispatch box there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my chamber to see what was the matter.

There was St Rachel dressed in Red

Searching frantically for a Speech not one in her head

St Rachel had been writing the words of  Budgets that no one will hear

Look at her working, writing Budgets in the night when there's nobody there

Her wastebin full of Budgets too nice to pass

What does she care?

Now St Rachel was all in a fluster 

Which  Budget will pull muster

Two Tier Kier was not here to ask

Sod it - maybe this one will pass

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

St Rachel will steal your money and all

We are set for a fall

On a more serious note I was interested to read that the Bond Markets are watching this budget extremely closely.  They have trained their AI systems on Rachel and are  looking for any body language or vocal hesitancy during her budget delivery to detect weakness or uncertainty.  These damn mysoginit AI systems that identify as men....these AI systems will be mansplaining what's wrong with her budget.

This could have serious consequences - given Rachel's crying costs hundreds of millions in extra debt service costs, if she deviates from her normal robotic delivery it could have huge financial costs.

Finally I asked ChatGPT for her version of the poem for Budget Day.  She seemed very optimistic we were going to get tax cuts !!

Tax cuts !  AI clearly is delusional....or is that me being misogynistic ?

’Twas the night before Budget, when all through the Palace,

Not a minister stirring — exhausted by malice.

The whips whispered warnings with trembling care,

In hopes MPs wouldn’t yell “Resign!” everywhere.

The Tories were nestled all snug in their posts,

While visions of tax cuts danced through the toast;

Labour rehearsed lines with a confident grin,

Though half still weren’t sure which faction they’re in.

When out in the Lobby arose such commotion,

Reporters stampeded like waves on the ocean.

I rushed to the chamber, where rumours ran wild:

“Reeves is arriving — the Budget’s compiled!”

The chandeliers shimmered o’er politics’ mess,

Illuminating chaos no Speaker could bless.

Then Rachel strode in with her box held up tight,

Like: “I swear this one won’t leak before midnight.”

Her red case was polished, the papers inside

Proof that several economists had definitely cried.

And faster than U-turns in governments past,

Her measures unfolded — both cautious and vast:

“Now Growth, now Green Energy, Planning Reform!

(And yes, a few changes to keep Twitter warm.)

On railways that function! On potholes repaired!

On public sector pay deals — well… let’s not go there.”

The benches erupted in predictable fashion:

Some nodded with wisdom, some heckled with passion,

Some Googled “What even is fiscal drag?”

While one backbencher slept in a Union Jack flag.

Across from her, Tories rehearsed their retort:

“It’s reckless!” “It’s boring!” “It’s just too short!”

But privately whispered (when cameras weren’t on):

“At least it’s not another mini-budget gone wrong.”

The Lib Dems pretended the moment was theirs,

Rising eagerly — though no one quite cares.

SNP members sighed, “We’d do it our way.”

While Plaid Cymru nodded: “Aye… same every day.”

Rachel continued, composed and precise,

With a tone that said, “Honestly, I’ve checked this twice.”

No Truss-style surprises, no Hunt-style despair —

Just a budget that seemed… annoyingly fair.

She closed with a flourish as MPs grew riled:

Some cheered like adults, some jeered like a child.

And walking away with her papers held tight,

She muttered: “At least we survived this Budget Night.”

And I heard her declare as the House took to fights:

“Happy fiscal responsibility — and to all, good-night!”